As humans, we’re designed to either fight or flight (psychologically speaking) in situations of discomfort and uncertainty; hence when his presence keeps lingering on, most us use the flight response, subconsciously unaware of this response. I certainly do. Very often when instinct to fight comes in active mode, he has already weakened a good bit of my positive attributes. He is powerful, determined, impeccably brilliant at his art of destroying. He is the infamous shadow we all fear. He is depression.

He’s been tormenting me for a relatively lengthy while now. I allowed him to. As I always do, it seems I haven’t a choice really. He pays me a visit every so often I swear to you he’s become a part of me. His recent visit was very much unforeseen. He hadn’t the decency to at least warn me, well what did I expect? His presence had a rapidly debilitating effect on me, dehumanizing me in the process.

He didn’t give me enough time to recognize my signs and symptoms and try to act on them. To better myself. He, with immediate effect, began to decompose my confidence, hopes, dreams, ability to sleep at night, eat, think, talk, wake in the morning for work and bathe. He then went on to littering his nonsensical ideas in my frontal lobe. In an instant I was stuck in a state of numbness I could not begin to explain. Not to anyone, let alone myself. He whispered gently “Death!”.

His visits may be accompanied by his good mate most times. Anxiety. I suppose they do make a good team. Very loyal to one another. Always working in cahoots to never eat the cake without a little icing and two cherries on top, not very good news for us (the victims) is it?

Depression, what is it exactly?

Depression is a mental condition which affects both the mind and the body at once. It comes in various forms which range from mild to extremely severe, differing in symptoms. It is treatable through medication provided by a qualified  psychiatrist. The psychiatrist normally refers the patient to a qualified clinical psychologist or counselling psychologist for psychotherapy. I refer to this as ‘talk therapy’, I very often find it refreshing really. Come to think of it I might suffer from verbal diarrhoea.

It is a commonly dealt with mental condition worldwide. According to The World Health Organisation more than 300 million people are affected by depression globally. It is a serious condition which hasn’t, like any other condition, a specific age, gender or race of target. Sufferers of depression face an enormous volume of emotional strain during depressive episodes. These episodes haven’t a specific time frame making day to day activities unbearable most times.

The Misconception about Depression

It is no secret that mental illness is often misunderstood. This known knowledge, however, does not make the fact of the misunderstanding okay. There is, by regulation and nature, a distinct difference between different, separate and similar entities. However identical, closely related or not related at all these entities may be, difference exists always.

Sadness is one emotion. Depression is another. Happiness is one emotion and anger, another. Excitement is one emotion and mania is yet another. Pain endured from a paper cut is most certainly different to that endured from a literal stab in the back. Again, different. Reckless behaviour cannot be associated, in any manner, to rational behaviour, right? Now that was easy to get grip of wasn’t it?

Depression can be mild or severe and is usually classified as a mood disorder. It has the ability to impair most if not all of your functioning abilities both cognitively and physically. Depression presents itself differently in each person, as Blue Light Blue puts it (a mental illness blogger), and it may be brought on by several factors.

These factors include but are not limited to environmental changes, circumstantial changes, past unfortunate events including abuse, serious health conditions, stress, substance abuse, other mood disorders and side effects from medication. These causes may lead to the invitation of symptoms which must be addressed as soon as possible

Are there any specific signs and symptoms of depression?

Signs and symptoms of depression tend vary for different people depending on various factors. The person may show signs of behavioural changes like withdrawing from interaction with close family members or friends. They may show a change in their feelings and thought process. For example, feeling very sad and irritable all the time and thinking about how worthless they are. Thinking that people’s lives would be better off without them and so forth.

All the behavioural signs mentioned above put together create a physical reaction to the body, our fourth sign of depression. The signs of this physical reaction to the body may include, but are not limited to, extreme fatigue, inconsistent sleep patterns as well as weight loss and/or weight gain.

Common Signs & Symptoms of Depression

It is of utmost importance that you seek adequate help should you encounter any of the following symptoms. If you do notice them in any other person, please do seek the appropriate help for them as well.

• Frequent long-lasting pain e.g.: random aches and pains including a sore neck and back pain
• An increase or decrease in appetite
• Being irritable and temperamental
• Felling worthless, guilty, emotionless, hopeless, helpless and disinterested
• Undertaking activities in excess e.g. substance abuse and binge eating
• Daydreaming
• Indecisiveness
• Lack of self-care and physical wellbeing
• Trouble with concentrating
• Negativity and thoughts of suicide
• Trouble keeping track of current happenings
• Constant cry spells
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Fear which triggers anxiety

What about the types of Depression?

Understanding and taking the time to comprehend the situation, frustration and type of depression a person is experiencing is of vital importance. Besides, what’s life without a little sincerity?

I mentioned in my last post that there seems be “a widespread misconception and misunderstanding on mental illness and the manner in which certain individuals, groups of particular niches, societies, traditional and cultural tribes and so forth approach the topic which tends to be a huge concern for most, especially those diagnosed with these conditions”.

The category of the types of depression is diverse, the most common types being Major depressive disorder and Dysthymia (persistent mild depression). Apart from the types I’ve just mentioned, there are a few more to be mentioned:

• Major depressive disorder:

This is also known as clinical depression or just depression itself where one’s mood is low, and interest is lost in activities once enjoyed.

• Bipolar disorder:

Formerly called manic depressive disorder is marked by experiences of elevated mood swings of mania and depression.

• Psychotic depression:

Depressive disorders can at times cause victims to lose touch with reality and experience psychosis which can include hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia.

• Treatment-resistant depression:

This type of depression is caused by a patient failing to respond to at least two antidepressants, if not more, which were prescribed for the treatment of their depression.

• Seasonal Affective disorder:

This is a mood disorder that usually has a pattern of taking effect during seasonal periods.

• Atypical depression:

This type of depression can be improved by a positive event taking place in the life of the diagnosed as it is caused by a pattern or form of symptoms of depression.

• Subsyndromal depression:

This is when an individual shows symptoms of depression but cannot be diagnosed with the disorder as he hasn’t all the ‘required’ symptoms for diagnosis.

• Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder:

This  type of depression is usually diagnosed in children who often have problems and major difficulties with the dealings and regulations of their emotions.

• Postpartum/perinatal depression:

This type of depression affects a woman during and after the period of the birth of her child.

• Persistent depressive disorder:

This type of depression is one of a chronic nature where the mood level is low on a regular basis. The symptoms are usually not as severe as those of major depression.

• Substance-induced mood disorder:

The use and abuse of substances (including drugs and alcohol), be they illicit or not, can lead to a possible mood disorder which must be diagnosed by a professional psychiatrist.

My current state of mind

I haven’t exactly figured out how to go about with dealing with my depression when it hits home, as it has been resting comfortably within me for over 2 month nows, to put it informally. I’m still battling my calamity, my indestructible intruder, dearest depression. I haven’t figured out a fixed method of how I’ll overcome my fears in relation to living with my mental illness either, but I’ll get there.

At the current moment I feel separated from myself. I feel I haven’t a clue who I am or where I’m going. Most days I don’t recognise this person life has carved me to become. I’m confused. My senses are numbed. I’m petrified this feeling will never go away. I’ve lost my bearings. Again. I’m a mess. This year alone, I’ve had 4 depressive episodes if not more. I don’t know how to bring the fire back in my eyes, I miss it. I miss me.

I’m paranoid. For some random reason I feel everyone is out to get me. For a good week or so I was convinced I was going to get fired for being depressed. I literally thought everyone in management was looking into all my faults and planning my dismissal documents. As soon as Christmas was over and I went back to work I’d be suspended. It’s crazy. I know. I’m aware one can’t get dismissed for being ill, it’s against the law, but at the time I believed it. I was delusional. It was going to happen.

I was job hunting. I wasn’t certain I wanted to be employed though. My brain was in thick fog and so I decided to let my partner in on my ongoing hypothesis, soon to be concluded, “You’re over analysing the situation, things don’t just happen”, he said.  Big mistake. He shouldn’t have said that. I lost it, I suddenly became the persecutor. Now the entire world was against me. It was insane! At times i just can’t help it. My mind wanders off. Locating it, well that’s a story for another day.

On top of my brain and emotions being in shambles, I feel I need to constantly pretend to be ‘OKAY’ . When I’m honest about how I feel most people start being unreasonable (I often feel sorry for those who don’t mean any harm, shame. I don’t think they’re aware). They tend to be very offensive and honestly, I’d rather not have to deal with that as well.

Suddenly there’s a need for my medication to be guarded (Okay, that’s understandable). “You have Bipolar?! OMG, I’m so sorry… ” (Don’t look at me like that! It’s not contagious!). “Argh, it’ll pass. Just chin up man. Stop being a baby” (No wonder I’d rather keep silent, you’re a douche). “If you need anything, you know, want to talk or something I’m always here for you” (Thank you but I’ll pass. I’ll probably burst into tears. I’d rather not. Aww, now I feel bad). “You can always leave work if you don’t feel up to it” (I came  to work with a goal, to work. Please treat me as an equal. If I’m not coping I’ll let you know! Gosh!). Some people just don’t get it. I’m not impaired!

So, you’re probably thinking, “You ungrateful soul!”…

For the sake of clarification, I’m not ungrateful. To be frank, I cherish and respect the ongoing support and involvement in my recovery I receive from my family, therapists and friends. I can’t begin to express my gratitude for their support. I couldn’t be any more fortunate and blessed than I feel I am at present.

It all gets too much usually, people’s involvement. I’d prefer not to suffocate sometimes. My disorders already do enough of that most days, so a brief interval now and then would be highly appreciated. I just need to be alone sometimes. Sometimes I pretend I’m living when I’m actually surviving. Most times I need to be alone and try to mend my broken soul. Is that too much to ask for?

My hopeful way forward

I woke about a week ago and recalled what someone dear to me said about 2 weeks ago after an unsuccessful attempt of what most fear (I’m certain I need not say the word itself). She said to me, I imagine she was in pain, “What you’re doing now, Sharon. You’re destroying your future”. At the time I couldn’t care less what she said or thought. I couldn’t care less about anyone or anything, highly irrational. I was instead livid my attempt was unsuccessful yet again, if anything.

As I relived that moment, those feelings and the words she uttered to me, I took a glance at my semi-colon tattoo on my left wrist. “It looks so pretty”, I thought. “She is right!”, was my next thought. It is obviously very much likely my actions, normally irrational in this state, have a negative effect on my life. The “destroying” part, I thought, eeeeeer…; my inner-self continued (I was in denial).

I had an extensively long conversation with myself that morning. Asking the higher power “Why me?”, “Why am I a jail-bird of my disorders?”, “Why have I become this way?”, “Why am I allowing my Bipolar to define me?”,  “Or is the borderline more powerful than I am?”, “Why this and why that”…etcetera.

During that ‘growing realisation’ moment with myself, I remembered, acceptance is key. Strange how it’s easy to tell everyone this but I’d never been able to practice it. We all need to accept our situations. If you feel an emotion, however powerful and unpleasant it may be, allow yourself the time to endure it. Don’t fight it. “Find the root cause and work with that”, says my psychologist.

Many of us struggle with mental conditions, many of us are family and friends to those who need support due to their diagnoses, many of us are only beginning to learn about mental illness and how to manage it and many of us are professionals who’ve practiced diagnosing and assisting mental illness accordingly. A huge portion of the groups of people mentioned above may occasionally lose hope, feel imprisoned by particular situations, get discouraged by our stigmatised society, be surrounded by negativity and give up on life for many reasons.

A lot can impact any of us negatively however it is inevitable for life to amaze and shock us whenever it pleases to do so, be it in a positive or negative manner. We are technically obligated to try to remain optimistic through it all. We can try to be mindful, balanced, set better boundaries to avoid being victims of others’ selfish ways.

We can try to manage our routines and habits in different ways: perhaps take a walk every now and then to get your endorphins up and running, or you could swim? Maybe you want to join a group therapy session, so you’re not cooped up in your house all day, that’s never a good idea when you’re feeling down.

The point here is that we have control of these changes when it comes to ourselves. We can only change ourselves. Not the environment. Not how people think or how they’ll react to situations, wouldn’t it be nice if we could? ( Yeay, World Peace! Jokes). How pretty your garden will look in 6 months? That’s up to the weather. You can’t change time, you get the point?

Positive Words To Remember: