Most of us battle with boundaries. It’s a greater amount of shock that most of us haven’t much knowledge on the concept of boundaries. A friend of mine comes to me relating a conversation she had had with her lover to be (I hope, for her sake anyway),“He says we can’t engage during working hours, I think that’s shady”. “No it’s not! Why on earth would you think that”, I responded. “It’s called a boundary.” (I’d rather you didn’t hear the rest of it. It’s better that way).

My friend hasn’t a clue on the importance of boundaries (big problem) but her lover to be (I need to stop saying that) does. That’s good and bad.

The Good: The lover to be (Okay, I’m calling him Greg) seems to have his ducks in a row. So my friend (We’ll call her Sasha, she’s rather fierce at times) will inevitably learn about boundaries, just the sour way around. Perhaps the self-damaging way even.

The Bad: Sasha could technically be titled a doormat in the making, if she’s not one already (Only because she agreed to Greg’s request with no thorough understanding of why or what the request implicated. She didn’t question him. She may be pleasing him. Perhaps because she’s infatuated? She may have wanted to question, but couldn’t. What if he doesn’t like her anymore? She may have been afraid he’d see her differently if she said something? We don’t know).

Prior to this conversation we had she felt obligated, unconsciously, to adhere to the boundary Greg had put in place. She didn’t understand the reasoning behind his boundary. It wasn’t until after our discussion about Greg she saw it from Greg’s point of view (Aren’t I a good pal?).

The Conclusion: I promised I’d write a post dedicated to boundaries. I might have promised to make it shorter than my last post. She’s not much of a reader. (So here’s to you Sash, I hope you’re happy now).

My Boundaries Are In Shambles

I struggle with boundaries, worry not, I’m not too far apart from you. I always have. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m probably a 7 now. They change over time. At times being in solitude helps lower the rating. My boundaries are very porous (ridiculously open) if anything. I’m petrified people dear to me will leave me. The precise reasoning behind that is yet unknown, it is however based on my self-esteem issues. It all begins with a single thought which turns into a negative thought leading to the next negative thought and so forth. It goes on until I’ve constructed the most possible reasons that would prompt them to leave me. It’s quite sad really.

I over share my personal information unnecessarily. I recall when my psychologist suggested I join the gym to help release more endorphins and escape my comfort zone for a while. That was last year September when my life started falling apart because of my constant depressive episodes. To this day a part of me still believes both my psychiatrist and psychologist hadn’t a clue how to nourish my episodes at that time. That lingering thought was one of the reasons that lead to my decision to start this blog.

To get back to the point, I went to Virgin Active (It’s the closest gym to home, 5 minutes away), what a dreadful trip it was. Upon my arrival a typical hefty male consultant came to me. He was rather nice, took me around for mini tour and  went on with his sales pitch and all that jazz. Of course I refused to buying their ‘Booster Pack’ (A Personal Trainer: 3 sessions Only R599,00!! Okay, I may be a cheapskate but I most certainly was NOT going to pay that much for 3 sessions. Not in a million years!).

He then asked me why I decided to join the Gym. Instead of saying “It’s just for health reasons, you know, keeping fit, losing weight. Getting in touch with my mind body and soul, I heard Yoga helps with that!” and all that cliché crap I went on to say “I have Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder and Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. My psychologist suggested I join the gym. In fact I hate the Gym. I don’t believe I came here.” Before I knew it, I was waffling on and on. I bet you by the time I set foot out, that guy knew me inside out.

A Rescuer in Distress

Quite often the conduct of my lifestyle is gloom-ridden because of my porous boundaries. I fear it’ll gradually get worse as I age. I have difficulty with saying no to requests I’m unhappy with. Regardless, a part of me feels fulfilled when I do agree to the request I initially wanted to disagree to. I always want to be a helping hand. Why not? And then it catches up with me.

Very abruptly, out of nowhere I’m over involved and haven’t the balls to lay on the numerous beds I’ve made (The consequences of being a rescuer). Now I feel victimised (I only wanted to help, this is getting too much. “You should seek professional help”) or ( She’s rejecting me now! How dare she? After all I’ve done for her!?). I feel unwanted and unappreciated now. I don’t do well with rejection. My blood promptly boils to 180 degrees, I fight everyone (My never-ending life cycle).

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the limits you create for yourself for your emotional, physical, mental and sexual protection. They help you lay the foundations of where you and the next person will begin and end. They’re similar to building a safe haven, a palace of some sort for your heart. In this lavish palace you have authority to decide who comes in, when they come in, what they do once they’ve met the criteria to pass through your obedient guards in armour and how long they can stay there before you decide you’ve had enough and let the dragon out.

Healthy boundaries allow you the freedom of awareness regarding your behaviour and interaction with others. They give you the fair chance to know and take responsibility for your actions, thoughts and feelings. This freedom in turn creates effective communication with those around you and increases your self-respect in the process.

What Are The Types Of Boundaries?

• Personal Boundaries:

These are the limits you establish to protect yourself in relationships for the purposes of avoiding manipulation, being used and abused, having the right to say “NO!”, and comfortability among other limits/rules you could set as appropriate for yourself and situation. There are 3 types of personal boundaries:

1. Rigid Boundaries – you keep yourself at a distance from others,
2. Porous(collapsed) Boundaries – Getting too involved with others and
3. Healthy Boundaries – Having the ability to manage both rigid and porous boundaries, allowing what is needful in and keeping what is unneeded out.

• Physical Boundaries:

These refer to the awareness you have in relation to your personal space and touch. How do you want to be touched? Who can touch you and how can they touch you? Is it appropriate for them to touch you? You know your physical boundaries are being violated when your personal space is invaded or when someone touches you without your consent.

• Intellectual Boundaries:

These refer to your thoughts and ideas which include respecting both the ideas and opinions of yourself and others. You are aware of appropriate discussions and topics when suitable. Should these be dismissed or belittled, your intellectual boundary is being violated.

• Emotional Boundaries:

These refer to your feelings and the limitations you have set in regards to when the appropriate time to share and not to share your personal information is. You know your emotional boundaries are being violated when your feelings are criticized, belittled or invalidated.

• Sexual Boundaries:

These refer to the physical, intellectual and emotional aspects of your sexuality. You know you have healthy sexual boundaries when your sexual activity is consensual and you know you’re being violated when the opposite takes effect. E.g. Unwanted sexual pressure or touch, negative comments of a sexual nature or leering

• Material Boundaries:

These refer to the limits you set in regards to how and with whom you will share your money and possessions. You know your material boundaries are being violated when you are forced or pressured to lend your possessions. Another indication is when your possession lent to someone is damaged or stolen.

• Time Boundaries:

These refer to how you manage and use your time. You must have enough time set aside for the different activities you have in your life to ensure you function normally. Enough time for sleep, work, playing with your kids, having fun etcetera. You know your boundaries are being violated when someone demands to take too much of your time.

The Relationship Triangle

(You’re probably wondering) ‘What’s this got to do with anything?’. Well, for your information, the relationship triangle and boundaries are very much closely related. They work hand in hand for healthy communication in relationships. The triangle consists of 3 “main characters”. The Rescuer. The Victim and The Persecutor. These roles are played unconsciously, usually with the sole purpose of achieving manipulation and emotional blackmail in other circumstances.

The Victim

Victims see themselves oppressed and oh so violated, helpless etcetera. They usually look for saviours (The Rescuer). Should the rescuer fail to save them chances are, depending on the circumstances, all hell will break loose. They battle with putting boundaries in place. This affects their decision and problem solving skills.

The Rescuer

The rescuer is always there to give a helping hand. They usually need victims to keep them going as they usually need others to help them feel good about themselves, neglecting themselves and their needs in the process. Often they may feel guilty if they haven’t anyone to rescue.

The Persecutor

This buddy here is an assertive person. Enraged to the bone! The persecutor is all about blame. Blaming, victimising, pushing people away and being irrational as much as possible; if possible. His Boundaries are rigid and cannot be bent. He was promoted to be persecutor and feels it’s better to be less human than be victim again.

The relationship triangle is an ongoing cycle, one each of us experience unconsciously. When being the rescuer takes it’s toll on you you’re suddenly the persecutor, setting irrationally rigid boundaries. The anger within turns into vulnerability and the role of victim takes effect on you. It never ends. Think about it.

Don’t you need someone to save you from a difficult situation at times? What about that time when you felt powerless because you were vulnerable? Don’t you sometimes need something to hold on to, just to keep you going for a bit longer? What about that time you broke up with a loved one and needed someone to keep you company? Don’t you shut the world out when you feel you are unappreciated or abused for far too long? Don’t others use you as a scapegoat? Now you’re the reason for their mistakes and wrongdoings?

In order for you to try deal with this inevitable cycle, you need to implement healthy boundaries. At least try to if that’s the best you can do.

How Do I Set Healthy Boundaries?

The objective of boundaries is to increase self-awareness in regards to knowing yourself and being aware of the dynamics of healthy behaviour and acceptable interaction with others for the purpose of creating healthy relationships. You need to be:

• Emotionally honest with yourself,
• Assert your needs in an honest and direct manner,
• Take ownership of your feelings and make certain to be clear about the type of the ownership,
• Repeat yourself if need be, you are your first priority not the next person!,
• Love yourself
• Appreciate yourself and the feelings, needs and perspectives of others,
• Mean what you say & say what you mean!

Of course you cannot set and live by the boundaries you’ve set overnight. It may take a long time (in my case it’s been years of therapy and I still can’t knack it) but with commitment and determination. It’s possible. YOU CAN DO IT!