Gone With The Wind

My heart grew a little bit colder at a gradual pace. It was usually accompanied by a lingering sense of lightweight back-pain, fatigue, irritability, random cry-spells, and a sense of feeling like I don’t belong; among other things. I tried to pay it no mind, but I started going to places I’ve never been to before when I was alone. The paranoia crept in irrespective of resisting it’s charms.

Before I knew it I was requesting answers to understand why or how I had ended up in that place. Round and round I went in search for these answers, looking for something; anything beyond the end. It didn’t stop, instead I felt more estranged from myself than ever before.

Consciously Stuck In My Unconscious Mind

The past several months have changed me in ways I cannot begin to fathom at times. A lot has happened. From feeling judged and transparent at work and on social media, to feeling like a liability to my loved ones, to feeling trapped within myself, to confining myself to solitude as a means to discipline myself and to protect myself from pain and disappointing others and all that jazz, to etcetera etcetera

I grew shaky, paranoid, anxious, and other unspeakable things ( I’m not proud to announce as yet, I am still trapped within myself by them). I failed controlling my panic attacks and cry spells. But no one knew. Thank God. I was still ‘Pro’ at playing pretense. I’ve lost first place since then.

People could look and see right through me. “You look so sad and angry” said a stranger. I knew I was gone. I knew my mask was never coming back on again and that broke me. My mask was my semblance, source of courage and defense mechanism.

Days went by slowly and were a drag of course. My playlists became my best friends. I made no communication unless necessary. I was suddenly that chick who sits in the corner of the room minding her own business. I was that ‘Yes’ girl: “Can I use this?”, Me, “Yes”. “Are you ready for supper babe?” Me: “Yeah, I guess”. “Are you okay?” Me: “Yes”. “Can you please send me R2000 instead of R1500?” Me: “Okay”. That was the new me. No sense of self. But I didn’t choose to be that way.

Holding On For Dear Life

Shortly after that, my life fell apart. Literally. And no, I’m not catastrophizing. My life turned up side down emotionally, mentally, physically, socially, sexually, you name it. The alphabets (Yes not Names, alphabets) – “Pontsho Sharon Makgare” were all I had left as a means to recall who I ever was and I wasn’t even aware of it. For months on end I hadn’t a clue I was deteriorating emotionally and mentally until ‘Brain Gym’. I had no idea I was severely depressed and had been trapped, comfortably so, in a toxic bubble that was about to pop at any given time.

“Brain Gym”

It’s a no brainier “Brain Gym” saved my life and that the bravest thing I ever did was continue my life when I just wanted to die. I will forever be thankful to my Family, Close Friends, Psychiatrist, Psychologist and Occupational Therapist. They’ve held more than my hands through this journey I’ve decided to continue, I haven’t a clue where I’d be without them.

P.S. In case you guys are reading this, thank you and I love you xx

So… You’re Probably Wondering, What Is This “Brain Gym”?

‘Brain Gym” is an 8 week cognitive training and psychological intervention group therapy program. It is satisfactory for patients struggling with a decline in cognitive ability and/or poor cognitive ability due to poor mental health and those with minimal brain injury. It is solely designed for one thing, I’ve learned: to stimulate your brain function in order to enhance the relationship you have with your mind and body.

The focus in “Brain Gym” is to improve focused learning in the ares of:

• Attention & Concentration
• Mindfulness
• Memory
• Internal and External Strategies To Improve Mental Wellness
• Healthy Lifestyle Habits
• Maintaining Mental & Physical Health In Order To Prevent A Relapse

A Letter To Us – A New Beginning

Approaching the last session of “Brain Gym” was a much rather heartbreaking experience, To this day it remains to sadden me it’s over. It has indeed left significant effects on my mind, body and soul. I feel woke.Thank you Cindy, Gloria and Shelly for making it worthwhile and meaningful xo.

I’m journaling again after I don’t know how many years. I’m practicing mindfulness, I’m writing again (Yay!), I’m learning new things again. Hey, I finally finished my new blog design after having the site on maintenance mode for 8 Months (Gosh!!) and picked my activity up on social media.

I think I may be headed for bloom although it won’t happen overnight. I’m not spending every waking day wanting to die and that’s a great thing for someone like me. I’m still alive. I’m getting there. I’m doing the best I can, baby steps. I’m not giving up. You shouldn’t either, whatever your situation. Let’s fight for mental wellness.