It isn’t shocking to know that most suicides and suicide attempts are a result of mental illness diagnosis. Although there are many myths and stereotypes about this fact, studies have proved the fact true.

Depression Consumed Her Existence

3 weeks ago I found out a friend had committed suicide. At first I thought the news was bogus, I mean the last time we spoke she was going to be compliant with her meds, keep positive and keep seeing her shrink. We were making progress. My first reaction was to text her, there was one tick (Thank you WhatsApp). I then called her and it went straight to her message service. I started freaking out. Well, I’m sure you can try to imagine what happened next.

I wept all the way home from work (Yes, very embarrassing), I wept all night. I didn’t want her to be dead. I’d tried my best to be there for her through her depression. But there came a point, in the recent weeks, where I was down in the dumps myself. I couldn’t be there for her at that point. I hadn’t the ability to even care for myself in the simplest ways. I was in a state of emotional shambles. Again.

I didn’t want to get out of bed, and if I did, all I’d do was eat my life away (I’m a comfort eater, and yes I’ve picked up a lot of weight yet again) and binge on series. I had random spell cries and eventually had to stop going to work (I knew they knew something was wrong with me, I’m hardly a silent being. They were judging me! That fact made me ten times more miserable. And I’d suddenly feel apprehensive at random and BAAM! Anxiety attacks. I had to stop going to work. My paranoia made things worse). I wanted to die. Again.

I wasn’t in the state to be there for her. At that point in time I don’t even think I acknowledged her problems. The dark cloud was over me and I couldn’t care less if I got knocked over by a truck. So when I learned of her passing, I blamed myself. I still do, to an utmost degree. If during my depressive moment I had not shunned her, perhaps she’d still be around. If I had tried harder in the previous months, she’d probably still be in process of recovery. If I had seen her more often, perhaps she wouldn’t have felt alone. I wonder where her soul is.

“You’re being ridiculous, she knew what she was doing”, my mother said. “It was her choice babe, however hard you tried to save her you couldn’t have stopped her from doing it”, said my partner. Yes, there is truth in the statements said by my mother and partner but for someone like me that’s hard to believe. My tendencies of trying to save people have in a way, I feel, created a portion of permanent delusion. I have the idea I can save everyone, always, no matter what the circumstance. I’m not happy with that comprehension.

A Suicidal Mind

Rationally speaking, the suicidal mind is one that has the ability to deceive, mislead and create immense toxicity. I know this because I have been suicidal before, and no I’m not too embarrassed to share this information at this point. Not after my friends passing at least. If only people understood how a suicidal mind functioned perhaps the world wouldn’t lose another life every 40 seconds over suicide, in my opinion.

In the mind of a suicidal person, it’s dark. No light at the end of the tunnel. It all starts with pain. Pain that has piled up over the years it overflows and you haven’t a clue how to endure it any longer. This pain has worsened over time, leaving room for nothing but sorrow and emptiness. This invites a change of thought train which only facilitates negativity and destructiveness. Nothing matters any longer, every mistake you make is proof you need out of existence. The world will be a better place without you. And then you’re on to plotting your escape.

The possibility of you not dying scares the heck out of you but you need to try anyway. It’s all too much at this point. Becoming a vegetable after a failed jump from the 10th floor bothers you not because you have one goal. To escape humanity.

I’m No Saint

I said earlier I’ve been suicidal before. I’ve had my fair share of experiences in regards to this topic, and no I’m not proud of it. When I think back to those moments in my times of stability only shame, regret, and utter loathing for myself flush over me I don’t believe I was going to put all my loved ones through that pain. My poor parents, grandparents, younger brothers, my partner, my mother in-law, my close friends, my shrinks. They’ve all been there for me, tried and still keep trying to get me through it all and I was just going to throw all that away? After so many years of hardship, flush it all down the toilet? How selfish of me!

My Grieving Process

Her passing has affected me in numerous ways although I am in denial of this. You see, never before have I lost a loved one. I try to console myself at times by saying to myself:

“Your relationship was rocky”:

Our relationship was extremely unhealthy and dysfunctional it’s rather freighting. We were bad company for one another, from the get go. Connected to one another for all the wrong reasons. Substance abuse was what we did best. So it was better we were apart for a few months. That’s how our friendship operated. But we’d always find our way back to one another. We’d made a pact when we I was aged 19 and she 20.

“She didn’t care about you”:

There was a time where she tried to kill me, literally. It was nearing the time we were to take our break from one another but I think the time was long overdue. We were working on an online radio station and she attacked me while we were live on air. She wouldn’t let me begin to try to talk her out of her insanity, let alone escape. She blocked the entrance, motioning her brown, sharp knife in back and forth movements as I ran across the studio and carrying a brick in case I tried to do something stupid; I assumed. She was larger than I was so I couldn’t get away as easily as I had hoped.

Everyone was staring through the glass window, trying to sign some sense into her psychotic frame of mind as I was clearly failing verbally. She was telling me I had to die. I was horrified. After my escape out of that studio I fell into a deep depression, developed agoraphobia and swore to never work on radio again. She had ruined my potential career path as I had developed a liking in radio.

“She only knew me in her darkest hour”:

After her attempt at trying to rid me of my existence, I was forced to cut all communication with her. My mother made it a point I never had contact with her again. As a result I had to stop attending my lectures in university until my mother had formulated a plan for me to be as far away from her as possible. She eventually found her way back to me. Changing her numbers and so forth. I let her in, I felt I had to.

The only time she’d reach out to me was when she was lonely, or in pain, or depressed or needed to vent, or something unlit like that. But I didn’t mind. I felt the need to comfort her. Despite all she’d put me through I felt sorry for her. And after she’d confided in me about her recent diagnosis of Bipolar I felt even more obligated to constantly be there for her, although I feared her to the bone.

After telling a colleague of her passing she felt sorrow for her and her family. The conversation led to the relationship we had had with one another. She immediately despised her and bluntly pointed out she was never a friend. That conversation changed my process of grieving for her (I’m still not certain how one grieves for loved ones, she was the first I’ve lost), so I thought “Well, my colleague is right. Why am I putting myself through this? She didn’t give a John about me!” but that caught up with me.

RIP Dear Friend

The truth is that I did love her. I still do. Yes we had a dysfunctional relationship but she was my friend. The past 6 years had brought us pain, fear, laughter, and much more. How could I try to pretend “She’s just another dead girl”? I miss her. I’m distraught she took her life. I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to get her the help she needed (Although I believed she did) and it will probably take me a long while to forgive myself for what has happened. I regret not taking the proper precautions which may have spared her life. I wish her soul well, wherever it may be.

Can I Prevent Suicide?

The certainty of suicide being prevented is not guaranteed. Research does suggest that being familiar with the risk factors and signs associated with suicide may help save a life. Knowing which steps to take once recognising the signs and intervening before the person in danger ponders any further damage may also lead to a success in helping.

Signs To Take Note Of

There are various signs to take note of which will help you save a life. As research shows most people commit suicide due to serious mental illness, most people tend to give warning signs prior to taking action. It is mandatory to take these seriously to avoid the forthcoming tragedy. These signs may include physical, behavioural, cognitive and/or psychosocial signs.

Physical signs:

• Scars of self mutilation
• Eating and sleeping patterns changing

Behavioural signs:

• Suicidal threats
• Speaking as though they are on route to death “When I’m dead/gone”
• Decreased interaction with others and withdrawing from activities once enjoyed
• An increase in risky behaviour and/or substance abuse
• Speaking of death or dying constantly/often
• Giving away possessions and making preparations for when they’re gone
• Arranging random items needed for the suicide

Cognitive signs:

• Being preoccupied by the idea of death
• Believing that suicide is the only way out to stop the pain and suffering

Psychosocial signs:

• Signs of depression
• Increased paranoia, self-loathing and anxiety
• A sudden shift from intense depression to a sense of calmness

What Can I Do Once I’ve Noted The Warning Signs?

Most people tend to be afraid to speak about suicide which may make it hard to get the person in danger to get assistance. The truth is that we need to speak about suicide. We need to support one another. We need to take note and always realise there are warning signs beyond the surface.

Speaking to the person who is a threat to themselves is the first step among many to get them the help they require. Don’t be afraid to ask the person about their emotions or whether they are currently seeing a psychiatrist who has prescribed any medication. If there’s anything that person wants, is for someone to understand how broken and damaged they are inside.

Should you believe or be convinced that someone you know or care about is a threat to themselves:

• Be there for them emotionally
• Don’t try to talk the person out of suicide but rather try to understand why the person wants out
• Let the person know you are there for them and that struggling doesn’t mean they are failing. Let
  them know that pain ends and that depression is a treatable disorder
• Take harmful objects away
• Don’t try to take matters into your own hands! Once you’ve got grasp of the situation find out
  whether the person is receiving psychiatric treatment or not
• Get the person professional help
• Call the emergency hospital number or rush the person to the ER ASAP

Contacts To Keep Aware Of In Crisis

• 082 911
• South African Depression and Anxiety Group: 0800 708 090
• Suicide Crisis Line: 0800 567 567 or SMS 31393
• LifeLine South Africa: 0860 322 322/011 728 1347
• ChildLine South Africa: 0800 055 555